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My First Week as Prez-elect

Day 1

He finally said it. Gore used the 'C" word! Man, that sounded sweet. Conceed -- I think that's how it's spelled. Finally! Now I'm gonna be called President-elect instead of Dubya.

He looked good up there, I guess. Everyone's saying it was the best speech of Gore's life. Good thing for me it was. I mean, the whole country was looking to him to bring us together, to heal us. Neat trick, huh? Here I am, the winner, the President-elect but the loser had to do the hard work.

Gore had to calm the nation down and lead it into the future, past the election. There he was, telling everyone they better fall in line behind me, their new leader. Now that's what I call delegating!

I shouldn't be too mean. Gotta remember to keep using the H word. We gotta heal, this is a time for healing. See, that's why I told people to pray for Gore and his family in my speech. I think I said it two or three times even. It made me look all compassionate. I have to make sure people see I don't hold grudges. I'm really a nice guy, you know. I wouldn't kick a man when he's down and out. I'll just let the Democrats do that. So many of them are blaming him now. They say he blew it. A good economy and me as an opponent and he still couldn't do win!

Yep. My first time out and it went great. No one even said nothing about my English this time. Some people said I wasn't going to be an eloquent president, though. I'll have to look that one up later.

Day 2

Went to church in the morning. It gave me another chance to say we had to begin the healing process, that it was a time for healing, heal here, heal there. God, I am so sick of the word heal!

Looks like the American people are behind me. Something like 80 per cent say they accept me as their President. Ya gotta love this country. I mean, like they have any choice now?? I am going to be President. They have to accept me!

Spent a lot of time on the phone today. Everyone was calling to say hello. Canada, Mexico, Spain, and some places I hadn't even heard of. Even Jesse Jackson called. He's still a little upset but he'll get over it. Just wait until I start announcing my Cabinet members. Then they'll all see how racially sensitive I really am.

Day 3

Jeb looked good yesterday. Smart move to announce they'll take a look at voting in Florida. He'll be all right. They like him there and four years from now no one will remember anything anyway. I mean, look at what happened in Texas three years ago. I signed a state law that hardly anyone talks about now.

It's the one that says manual recounts are better than machine ones. Boy, would people in Florida have my neck if they remembered I said ballots with dimpled and hanging chads had to be counted! But, no one is thinking of that now. They say I have charm. That's what counts.

And Kate, I have to make sure she's taken care of. Man, did she ever come through for me when she certified those votes in Florida. Maybe Laura and she can go shopping or something. I hear the Republicans down there say she should get a limo. I'll have to think about that. Wouldn't want it to look like I was doing her any favors.

Nice to know some Republicans are toeing the party line, but someone's got to talk to Hastert. I mean, he's the Speaker of the House and he's telling me what to do with my tax cut? What does he mean, don't do it all at once?

I made a ton of campaign promises to the American people; the San Jose Mercury News says I made 179 of them. Really? Wow. I didn't know anyone was counting. Anyway, as I was saying, I have to keep my promises -- especially the one about a huge tax cut. (Don't I?)

The Weekend

Did you see how all the news shows were talking about me? No one even mentions Gore any more. But it's a good thing I've got Dick Cheney out there fielding those questions. He did such a good job too. He showed them all that it's going to be a whole different ball game now. I liked it when he said that it was silly to have rotating chairs of Senate committees. Take turns? Why? Just because they have 50 and we have 50? Nope. There's no way we're going to budge on anything. I mean, sure, we'll work with the other side, we'll be all bipartisan and all, but I'm not going to give an inch on anything; let the Democrats do all the work.

Looks like everyone is tickled pink about Condoleezza and Colin. Good thing Daddy kept everyone's phone numbers. Let's see, where's that list? Here it is. Okay, so I can cross off one Hispanic, one African American, one woman and an African-American. Not bad. How do you like the colors of my rainbow cabinet, Jesse Jackson? Now if I could only get a Democrat. I tried with Breaux yesterday but it turns out he was smarter than I figured. See, if he'd taken my offer up, Louisiana would have filled his Senate seat with a Republican. And then we'd really be in the majority. Someone said that my first act as President-elect was dishonest. Hey, they can't say I didn't try to get a Democrat. But the guy said no. Not my fault.

Day... Aw heck...I can't remember the date.

Me and Laura went to check out our new house today. Gosh dang! It really is a white house. Imagine that! Laura's gonna have a lot of fun with this place. She said the first thing she's going to do is make sure the sheets are changed everywhere, Democrats and floozies everywhere. I wish she hadn't said that she had slept in the Lincoln Room. It made it sound like she was there for a Democratic fundraiser. Anyway, I have to make sure she doesn't go overboard looking in every nook and cranny. I can see how some of the cubbyholes in that place could come in handy to stash stuff away. Can't really blame Clinton, why else would they have put in that little room off the Oval Office?

Speaking of the almost-Former President, he thought he was scaring me with all that talk about the economy slowing down. Patronising sonof a... There he was telling the press that people should just wait to see how I deal with everything. Heck if I'm worried. I'll just make sure to blame him. And if that doesn't work, I've got Greenspan-good man he is. Really capable. I like that word. Condi is capable. Colin is capable, I'm capable.

I saved the best for last today. I went to see that loser Gore. Longest 20 minutes of my life but the photos looked good and I got another chance to use the 'H' word-healing. Too bad we had to come back to Austin for that Christmas party. You know I would have loved to stay and chat with the guy.

Maybe help him pack.

Yesterday

Hot damn! I'm the Time's Person of the Year! And look at that, I'm not even scowling in the cover photo. Okay, so I had a 50-50 shot at this gig as well. Time said that whoever became the next president would be this year's choice. But hey, who cares how I got there? The judges picked me!

But I have to do something about Molly Ivins and soon. She never showed me no respect as governor with those columns in Texas and now she gets to spout off in my Time issue? She thinks she's so smart. I can't believe she had the nerve. Just look at what she says about me to all those whining Democrats, "OK he's not the brightest porch light on the block. Get over it. I frankly don't expect much from him; neither do you; and that's the best thing he has going for him. If he so much as clears a matchbox, we'll all fall back in wonder. Think how pleasantly surprised we're going to be when we discover George W is, as he has been all his life, sort of adequate. Not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church door, but he'll do."

Yeah... got shut her yap somehow. Maybe my buddies on the Supreme Court can do something with that Freedom of Speech thing now too.

Yessiree. As weeks go, this one wasn't too bad. Who said this president-thing was hard? I'll just keep it vague, keep my list of issues handy, tell people we got to work together and smile a lot. Piece of cake.

Now, let's see... was that 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue or 1500....?

EXTERNAL LINK:

'Yes, We'll Survive One of Bush's sassiest Texas critics gives two cheers for her old nemesis'

Reeta Sinha