Miscellanea/Farzana Versey
I am terrible with definitions. I am worse with complicated situations
I am terrible with definitions. However, lately a few things have
occupied my mind. In the bid for self-improvement, I have been
obsessed with enlightenment. Since I think I am an original thinker -- I
think about my origins and never come to a conclusion I can be
sufficiently proud of -- I spent a great deal of time wondering
about ancestors and history. I mistakenly believed that I would
one day be a part of it. But after reading Ambrose Bierce I've
changed my mind. He defines history thus: 'An account mostly
false, of events mostly unimportant which are brought about by
rulers, mostly knaves and soldiers, mostly fools.'
And it is fools that I bump into more often these days. The other
day I met one who insisted he was stupid. He said there was a
thin dividing line between the two. I set out on this mission
of discovery. There's an Arabic proverb that says, 'One is
more endurable than half a fool.' And the American Mercury
says that you are stupid when you are educated beyond the
capacity to think.
Now I know why my friend made the distinction.
He has always been a snob who believes that thinking is a mindless
activity. His idea of an 'activated' life is to count the stars.
He swears that they increase in number each day by just looking
at them. He is a gambler. And a miser.
How many misers have you come across in your life? You've lost
count? I think we are rather unfair when we pronounce judgement
on these creatures (It's always others, never ourselves, right?).
After all, it took Anon to look beyond the miser's immediate life
into the future to conclude that he is, 'One who lives poor
to die rich.' Not many of us can claim any such affinity
with the Great Leveller.
What is death? Picasso thought it was 'the only woman who
never leaves you.' I don't know if that is accurate, and
whether dying women can say the same, unless women are presumably
immortal. Talking of immortality, I cannot resist going back to
Bierce for this delectable one. 'A toy which people cry for,/And
on their knees apply for,/Dispute, contend and lie for,/And if
allowed/Would be right proud/Eternally to die for.'
But enough of death and other morbid things. Let us be happy.
Bob Hope feels it's possible to be happily just 'watching
television at your girl's house during a power failure.' Others are
more finicky and demanding, like Rousseau. He thought happiness
was, 'A good bank account, a good cook, and a good digestion.'
I should have met the man. I am convinced that the three together
can make the skeleton of a dinosaur declare, 'Look, I am
extinct.'
But I don't think I am being fair to Rousseau. I have great patience
with philosophers. I reciprocate their patience with me. And with
their dental problems. (The two being mutually exclusive, I assure
you). As Shakespeare stated, 'There was never yet a philosopher
that could endure the toothache patiently.' The Bard must
have been out of his mind when he said this. Don't blame him,
though. He has been at the receiving end so often. This chap called
Mark Van Doren said of him, 'A man who wrote plays in which
the main characters are trying to do what they can't possibly
do.'
Is anything really impossible? Not for a well-informed man, I
guess, one who knows when to tap what and how. Does such a man
exist? Sure, says Ray Fine, he's the 'one whose wife has
just told him what she thinks of him.' So there. What's a
wife? A rag called the Changing Times has found
the answer. 'Someone
who thinks it is all right to tell her husband anything in public
as long as she calls him Honey.' And a husband? Playboy's
reply: 'A man who started handing out a line and ended
up walking it.'
So much for spouses. What happens to the rest, to humanity, to
mankind? 'A human species with a most conspicuous failing:
an inability to stay quiet.' (Water Bagehot). But silence
has been defined as 'a good substitute for brains.'
This is a trap. And I wonder whether I must go on or stop. Silly
question. Now don't ask me to define that. But you ask me to define
definition. Sometime did. 'A description that inadequately
represents a much more complicated situation.'
And I thought I had it all down pat. As I said in the very beginning,
I am terrible with definitions. I am worse with complicated situations.
Illustration: Dominic Xavier
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